YouTube: How I Found a Way to Achieve My Childhood Dream

I haven’t been writing much on here lately. There is a reason for that. And today, I want to share it with you guys.

I have always wanted to be noticed. Haven’t we all? I grew up watching Disney Channel and their original movies like Read It & Weep, Stuck in the Suburbs, and the classic, Lizzie McGuire Movie. These three examples all have the common plot of a once nobody becoming a somebody, through an exposed journal, found cellphone, or Europe pop star look alike. Well, I grew up wanting the same thing: to become a somebody. I wanted to be both the girl with the exploited diary as well as the actress playing the character; by that, I mean I wanted to be known, either through the fictitious way of finding fame or by being an actress. Actually, I wanted to be an actress more than anything.

My childhood consisted of summer camps at the Guthrie and the Children’s Theatre. My years in between being a kid and a teenager are a blur of various auditions, callbacks, headshots, and afternoons practicing pitch at the piano with my grandma. I had a tendency to sing flat at times—although I would never admit it at the time. Out of all the auditions for plays and musicals in my area, I never got a single part. Many callbacks and close calls, but no one ever chose me.

I believed an agent would fix this. I remember begging my mom to get me one, because an agent had the power to get me those auditions to be an extra on Wizards, Hannah Montana or even Suite Life. That’s what I really wanted: to be on television, in the movies, the extras in a music video. Plays were fun and thrilling, but I really wanted to be on a screen.

Modeling was another gateway to this world. A path I had already gone down as a toddler. That’s right; I modeled. If you have any Target catalogues from the late 90s, (no idea why you would but), I’m in there. I have few memories of these days, but I do remember some shoots, some outfit changes, and the toys I played with in front of a white background. As a teenager, I craved this spotlight once more. So I got some headshots taken and looked up agencies. However, it’s a lot harder to enter the world of modeling again without anyone there to help you. My mother has always had a tendency to say she’ll do something, but never will. And at such an age of dependency still on your parents, I never modeled again and instead, became very sick.

Fast-forward a few years. After I recover a little, graduate high school, move out and begin college. Over the years I both learned my singing was never that phenomenal (despite the summers of voice lessons and voice therapy) and that stress, depression, and an eating disorder can have many effects on your body, including your vocal chords. Mine are permanently damaged. There goes that 2^nd grade dream of becoming the next Hilary Duff.

So at 19, I realized I would never be a singer on Radio Disney, or an actress on Disney Channel, even after all the afternoons spent in front of the bathroom mirror practicing my “and you’re watching Disney Channel” move with my hairbrush. Sure, I did 4 musicals in junior high, but I never got a major part. I couldn’t sing, I wasn’t that talented, and let’s be honest, I was quite a shy, awkward, and uncomfortable child in my own skin.

I believe being shy overpowered my ambition to be someone. I also believe that there are still more options to getting where I want to be. I understand how this might be hard to “get” and I don’t want it to sound as if I’m saying “I want to be famous!” because it’s not. I want to be known, a someone. That’s completely different. A major reason why I write is because I think all writers carry the common desire to seek immortality. We never want to be forgotten so we write as a way to live forever.

I’m a writer, and I’m confident saying that while writing this.

But I have recently discovered a different and hopefully successful way at making this childhood fantasy a reality. It’s the reason this blog hasn’t been updated as much. And that reason is: YOUTUBE. I finally started my own channel! I remember all the embarrassing videos posted in Middle School, and with those, I remember all the connections I made with other people online from all around the world. YouTube has one of the most supportive and expanding communities online, and when Tumblr has a more personal and limited audience access, I wanted to expand my world to a more broad and public environment.

I have found ease with talking to a camera. There are no nerves. It’s comfortable and easy. I feel confident doing it and even fine at watching myself in the footage and listening to my voice while editing, both things I hated to see and listen to in the past. My shyness doesn’t limit me, as it did for auditions, social settings in school, or when I was too scared to tell people that I really actually wanted to be like Emma Roberts with her own show or audition like Miley Cyrus when she got her big break. I’m comfortable now sharing this.

So I’m writing this for a few reasons. The first is to say “I’m alive!” and I apologize for not writing as much on here. I tend to write a lot on my Tumblr, so you can follow me on there for more blog posts! (and emotional breakdown rants). The second reason is to share my YouTube Channel with you guys. I’m very proud of all I have accomplished with it so far, and I would love your support. I have never put such personal and raw material out there in the world, and it’s getting wonderful responses. And the third reason is although becoming a somebody felt beyond impossible as a child, stuck without a single acting gig, singing range, modeling agency, published diary, found cellphone or celebrity twin, there are still other ways of being remembered and known. YouTube is a great network for this. It’s a place where you can completely be yourself and that’s riveting. I no longer feel as alone and the people I have gotten to know through YouTube have already had such a positive effect on my life. I have found a way to be someone and be on a screen—like I’ve always wanted—even though it’s in a different way than I grew up imagining. Who knows though, YouTube is a door to many opportunities if you work hard enough. This is just the beginning.

I wanted to make a quick note that I will still be writing on this blog. It might not be as frequently, but I still write a tremendous amount, and when a good topic for a blog post comes to me (like this one tonight), I want to share it on here. I hope you understand.

~Makayla 

Stay connected with me through my social media sites:

YouTube: Makayla Samountry

Tumblr: shootingstarsgivehope.tumblr.com

Twitter: @makaykay_sam

Facebook: www.facebook.com/makaykay17

Email: makaylaksamountry@gmail.com

5 Simple Steps to a Happier Mind

Hi everyone! I'm sorry it's been forever. With my previous update being on National Suicide Awareness Day, I really wanted to emphasize and dwell on it before posting again. But as I continue to work on overcoming many unhealthy mindsets and harmful coping mechanisms, I am learning a lot about myself, and what I can do to take better care of my body. 

I want to enjoy life more. I want to train my mind to be happier. I want to wake up one day and be happy that I did. I know this isn't going to happen overnight, and it's going to take a lot of work and commitment to change what I can, but I'm confident that it can be done. 

Funny, how the littlest things can make the biggest differences, some so trivial you might not even think to do. So here are five simple things I practice and learned can benefit in BIG ways: 

1. Breath
   The power of breath is incredible. Did you know breathing is the only autonomous system of the body that we can control? Our breaths indicate our mood, and our mood indicates our breath; meaning, if we can change how we breathe, then we can also change how we feel. Yoga/Meditation is a great way to learn about various breathing techniques. 
2. Drink More Water
   Our bodies are made up to 75% water, but we lose by even breathing and are in constant need of more. Think of your body like a blooming flower, a plant that requires a large amount of water every day, otherwise, it will die. The benefits of drinking more water are endless, but overall, we are fueling our bodies and releasing toxins. Without an adequate amount of water, we would literally drown in our own metabolic wastes. But overall, when you're hydrated you feel good! 
3. Sleep Longer and Allow the Body to Awake Naturally 
   Even though you are sleeping, your body is still awake and functioning! In fact, it's taking that time to heal and repair. I always find that on those days where I allow my body to wake me up and not the alarm clock, that I feel better, well-rested and energized, focused, content. Just better.
4. Take Daily Vitamins
   This one always creates most discussion when brought up. I know some don't notice a difference in their health and well-being by taking vitamins, but personally, I find vitamins to be crucial. My body is extremely malnourished. My previous and current diet is horrendous and I am not providing close to enough of the nutrients I know I need. I am also still growing! I take vitamins as a way to show I love my body, and my body gives back by making me feel healthier and happier.
5. Stretch
   One of the most important life lessons learned as a toddler! We spend the most of the day in the same posture, and the muscles not used become short and tight. By stretching our bodies, we are circulating blood, increasing energy, decreasing tension/stress, and being healthy. 

Let me know what are some simple things you do that make you happier or what you do to have a better day in the comments below. I'd love to hear them!! Until next time xoxo 

A Little Reflection...

Another year later. How is that possible? I feel like my life stopped on this day two years ago, but at the same time, it was only when this all began. 

As many of you may know, today is National Suicide Awareness Day, but it’s also a day that holds a lot of value and meaning to me personally, because it’s also my own personal anniversary… for when I was admitted to the adolescent psych ward for suicide myself. 

Two years ago, on September 10th, 2012, I thought I was fine. I was going to die, and I was okay with that. But I didn’t necessarily know the difference between if I wished to really kill myself or if I just wanted to find a way out; they were both the same to me. Through the most unforgettable following 17 days while hospitalized, I realized all I really needed was to escape my environment, and I found a comfortable "homey" feeling to being in the mental ward. I miss it. I really do—never had I felt more myself than I did there, and it was extremely hard to adapt back into the reality of society after being in such a fantasy for so long. Time doesn't exist when you are in there. Nothing beyond the hospital's walls seems to, really. God, I remember this day so clearly two years ago. The lunch I didn’t eat, the classes I couldn’t take notes in, the faculty member that walked me to the office, and the previous english teacher I ran to when I realized they were going to take me away. It’s hard to reflect without romanticizing and remember without realizing that maybe I’m not better at all. Think about it… sure, I hit my lowest point on this date, but it was all the times and endless nights after September 2012, after my eyes had been opened to a world of wistful souls that struggled with an immense amount of similar issues and those way out of my realm. I guess the biggest difference is now I am more aware of it. 

I don’t know if I’ll ever see those people again, all the other patients I grew close to there. I don’t even know if some are still alive, or if they finally succeeded in their deepest, darkest desires of death. All I know is that they’ve affected me in ways I never thought possible. I live my life today with them in the back of my mind, in a safe corner of my heart, and secretly, I look for them in everyone, everywhere I go. Part of me hopes the universe allows them back into my life. I just need to know how they’re doing, and if the last two years have been as kind to them as I feel they have been to me. Yes, there were definitely new struggles and times where what I saw as “playing with fire” others labeled as an “attempt,” but I feel through it all, I am growing, and I am learning. 

In fact, many great things have happened because of my hospital stay for suicide. The biggest being it brought me to my current (even though I left for college) therapist, the only one I sincerely liked and looked forward to seeing once a week. She’s literally so great. My hospitalization also helped me address things I didn’t even realized had names or were studied in the medical field. It helped me feel less crazy. 

I got a tattoo the following summer. Music (like many) has proved very powerful in my life, one memory in particular being the boy and his guitar in the lobby, how another patient taught me how to play a song, and how we would sing in the hallways together. 

I redefined myself as an artist and began exploring various mediums and focuses until I found what I loved most: emotion and words among abstract or realistic pieces. Here’s a few examples of what I mean by that: 

I got some senior pictures taken too 

and began the adventurous roller coaster of my senior year of high school, a place I both couldn’t wait to leave but also wish I never had to graduate. It’s a place I call home more than my own house. And right now, I’m searching for a home that I can go to. When you can’t go back and don’t know where you are currently, where do you have to turn to? I’m hoping that mine is somewhere in this city, 

for after what feels like my entire life of dreaming of going here, I finally made it, (three times in one month actually) and still can’t wait to go back. Although my dream of going to college out here didn’t happen, it doesn’t mean grad school won’t or even just life after graduation. I am excited to where this dream will take me. 

I went to prom, too. Twice, actually. Funny, the person I longed to spend the night with my junior year turned into the person that ruined my night senior year. A lot can change, I guess. 

I graduated high school!! (a secret being, I made it by just a few hours, as I took a math final earlier that day). 

I celebrated turning 19 years old in June. One last year of my teens, then onto a new decade of awaited adventures!! 

I remember one reason I felt it would be okay to end my own life was because my youngest brother was only an infant at the time. I believed it would be okay because he wouldn’t remember me; I wouldn’t ruin his childhood or be the reason his parents couldn’t afford to give him all he deserves in life. I wanted the best for him, and I thought the best would be for me to leave. Well, two years later, he did a fantastic job at helping me leave for college. I really miss this guy, and only now realize that I hope he doesn’t forget me too much before Thanksgiving! 

I traded this:

in for this: 

and I went from my childhood bedroom of a million memories 

to a new four walls of memories in the making. 

and beyond what has already happened since then, the good and the bad, I also am starting to have goals again. One being the knowledge that there is so much out there that I have yet to see and experience. I want to see this world I tried so hard to leave and find reason as to why I should stay.

I know that everyone who follows me probably really hates me right now for making such a long post about something nobody else really cares about, but it’s important to me to get it out there; to say it out loud in a safe place, aka tumblr because… where else? 

Basically, today is National Suicide Awareness Day, and it’s also the day I was admitted for suicide. Funny how the universe works like that. 

Treatment's Not Always for Addicts

There are many issues that have been swept under the rug for the past few years, many issues that need to be addressed, many that I need to have completely control over before I leave for college. (And that day is creeping up on me soon!) I have all these great resources to get the help I need here, and I should be taking advantage of those, right? After my hospitalization for a suicide scare in late 2012, I was thrown right back into the hectic world of stress and commitments that made up my junior year of high school. I stopped treatment for an eating disorder out of financial concern; when in reality, I still needed help. Part of me believes I need more help now than I did back then. So, for months, I have been debating whether to finish my senior year strong, or to take some time off and really work on getting better. 

Image source: www.gotceleb.com

When Selena Gomez, 21, recently released news that she spent time at Meadows, a rehab center in Arizona, I was quick to assume her story involved a hidden eating disorder, a dark depression, or an unmanageable addiction of some sort. When in reality, Selena just needed time to herself. Her brave acceptance of that, and even braver decision to seek help, is inspiring. In her own kind words, "It has become clear to me and those close to me that after many years of putting my work first, I need to spend some time on myself in order to be the best person I can be." Selena simply recognized she was struggling and needed to get away. And that's admiring. Especially when she returned from treatment and uploaded an Instagram photo with the caption, "I'm the happiest I've been in a while. So blessed and thankful for the future." Because it sparks hope. 


So here I am, beyond recognition that I, too, have issues to work on and tackle. Should I follow in the footsteps of Selena and make sure I'm okay before I take a huge step in my life and leave for college this summer? Or, do I continue putting school and work first, believing that one day it'll all just go away and I'll be able to live my life freely? Of course, there are both pros and cons to each option, and I'm just not sure which cons are worth enduring. But learning that Selena checked herself into treatment--for issues that others could easily overlook--has really pushed me to think hard about this and make a final decision soon. 

What I Wish Someone Had Told Me

Always carry a spare.

Read the tags on nice clothes before washing.

Eat a good breakfast every morning.

Milk goes bad left out.

You can’t change the way boys act.

Microwaving leftovers leads to soggy results.

Vaseline will make it better.

Less is always more.

It’s okay to say no.

You are the most important person in your world.

Your body’s not going to look like this forever,

Take care of it.

Never trust a boy with a condom in his wallet on the first date.

Bread needs time to rise.

We are not mind readers;

Tell us what you’re thinking.

Read the newspaper often.

Ask questions, a lot of questions.

It’s okay to say no.

Addictions are addictive—really.

Push your limits, but set boundaries.

Accept change as it comes,

And embrace change as it goes.

If it doesn’t taste good, just add salt.

You don’t have to live like this.

Bellybutton piercings are a bad idea.

Rain will make the flowers grow.

Let the dead be dead.

It’s okay to say no.

If you never ask, the answer will always be no.

Scholarships are always available.

People change.

Don’t be careless; just care less.

It’s okay to not be okay.

Remember to take care of yourself often.

Your body wants you alive even when you don’t want to be.

It’s okay to cry; breathe and count to ten.

Put your hand on your heart; you feel that? It’s beating.

{MS}

I took an English course last semester, where our teacher had us read the short story/poem "Girl" by Jamaica Kincaid. We were supposed to be inspired to write our own "Girl," or a list of all the things our mother, father, coach, aunt, etc. tells us. However, when I sat down to write about all the things my mother told me, I realized her words have done nothing but destroy me. Her words... they were corrupt and cold. And it hurt to think about them because it brought too many memories back. So, I took this assignment one step further and also wrote a "Girl" piece about all the things I needed someone to tell me. All the things I need to be telling myself. 

Troian Tackles Taboos: Her Brave Confession

Troian Bellisario, a 28 year-old thriving actress, has been one of my inspirations since 2010, when she landed her breakout role as Spencer Hastings in ABC Family’s, Pretty Little Liars. Since the pilot, I have found I both related to Spencer’s perfectionistic and panicky outbreaks, as well as looked up to her perseverance and resilient skills. In fact, the reason I achieved all A’s my sophomore year was because I was trying to be a real life Spencer. I saw all of this fictional character’s strengths and believed it was possible to bring her to life. What I failed to see is that Spencer is a combination of wardrobe designers, makeup artists, scriptwriters, directors, and Troian herself. So, instead, I began to look up to Troian not for being Spencer, but for being who she really is. 

It’s funny, as I learned more about the real Troian, I realized she’s actually got quite a lot in common with her role as Spencer: “I grew up in a very wealthy family around a very wealthy group of people. My high school was a private school where you went to an Ivy League. So I grew up never being okay with a ‘B’ because a ‘B’ wasn’t good enough…and, I think Spencer is kind of in that. She’s in this beautiful, golden cage where everybody just says ‘you have everything so you have no excuse to trip up.’” This pressure put on her as an adolescent is fairly common, and going to a similar private school with similar expectations, I can easily understand how she might have felt; and why Troian chose now to finally speak up about the underlying struggles that also occurred during her own high school years.

Troian at Seventeen's cover unveil in Barnes and Noble, NY. Image source: http://justfabzz.com/

In Seventeen’s most recent issue, Troian revealed what she was like when she was 17 in her raw and personal interview. For the first time, Troian opened up about her past, more specifically, her self-destruction: “I became imprisoned.” The pressure to be perfect led to both self-harm and an eating disorder. Troian admits to Seventeen, “I started self-harming when I was a junior. I would withhold food or withhold going out with my friends, based on how well I did that day in school. It was about wanting to be perfect to everybody. I thought if I ever expressed [to my parents] any sadness or anger or anything that’s going on with me, they would disown me. I kept a lot of it bottled up inside, and it turned into self-destructive behavior.”

What I admire the most is her empowerment to speak up about what’s way too often considered a taboo topic, something swept under the rug along with other family secrets. And her honesty in sharing her story makes me love her even more. I know I’m not the only fan of hers that may be going through similar struggles, and her brave article helps us realize that we are not alone, that there is hope thanks to Troian’s openness and conquered confidence in her own skin; for she is an inspiration to all. We love you, T!